Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!!

[alil'britdifferent]

WHY MEN DON’T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS…….


Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

[mjf]

Taken from snopes.com: snopes.com: Dear Miriam

[mephisto]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia . One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainly is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'

[6_speed]

FLOWERS FOR THE REDHEAD


Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The redhead sighs and says: 'Oh crap, my boyFriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: 'You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?'
The redhead replies: 'I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs In the air.'


The blonde says: .......'Don't you have a vase?'

[Noble]

Top ten reasons it was better to grow up in the 80's than the 90's:

10. MTV actually played videos in the 80's

9. There were only one kind of Nike tennis shoes and they didn't cost $125

8. A comb in your back pocket is more practical and less painful than a ring through your nose.

7. In the 80's when your were out partying, you didn't have to worry about your parents calling you on your cell phone.

6. In the 80's playing video games actually meant going out to DO something

5. too tasteless to post

4. Debbie Gibson vs. Britney Spears. New Kids on the Block vs. N Sync.

3. In the 80's there were kids in your high school who could BUY ALCOHOL LEGALLY.

2. Feathered hair was easier to care for than dreadlocks.

1. In the 80's you didn't have to worry about your pants falling down all the time.

[Noble]

Two muffins are in a tin baking in an oven.

The first muffin says, "whew, it sure is hot in here". The second one says, "HOLLY CRAP, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!".

.

[EliseSC]

Charlie goes into his favorite bar with a big smile on his face. The bartender comes over and greets him, "How's it going, Charlie!?"

"Just great!" He replies.

"What's got you looking so happy?" asks the bartender.

"Well...I met a woman last night!" Charlies says, grinning from ear to ear.

"That's great, Charlie," the bartender responds, "well...tell me - how did you meet?"

"You're going to find this hard to believe," Charlie begins, "but I was on my way home from work last night and I got to the subway platform and I saw this woman tied to the tracks, like in an old Western movie!"

"Come on! Now way!" the bartender exclaims.

"Really," says Charlie.

"So then what!?" the bartender asks.

"So then I climbed down and untied her and took her home with me," Charlie says.

The bartender just shakes his head, amazed.

"And then..." Charlie says in a hushed tone, "I made love to her in every room of the house - the bedroom, the living room, the kitchen...even the bathroom!"

"Wow," the bartender says, "that's great, Charlie! Good for you! So tell me, is she pretty??"

"Never found her head."

[sutolai]

What's the easiest way to drop 15 pounds from your Lotus' curb weight?

-Take your bowling ball out of the car!

[Shorty111R]

Originally Posted by sutolai

What's the easiest way to drop 15 pounds from your Lotus' curb weight?

-Take your bowling ball out of the car!

HAHAHAHAHA that's AWESOME!

That's the funniest one I've read today. I don't know why, but it's hilarious.

[sweet&low]

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab
driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is
staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to
offend
you."

She answers, " My son, you
cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as
long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm
sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive."

"Well, I've always had a
fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's
see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you
must
be Catholic."

The cab driver is very
excited and says,

"Yes, I'm single and
Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says.
"Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his
fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on
the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the
nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've
sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

[xtn]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you may choose where you wish to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we do have rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and they run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Satan is also present, and appears to be a really friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, again, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers, "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

Satan comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now, there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

Satan looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted."

[Noble]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store..


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.......

[spumoni1984]

When NASA was building the space shuttle, it used a special machine to launch turkeys at over 250mph at the aircraft. This was because during takeoff the shuttles windows and heat tiles were exposed to contact by birds flying around. Nasa would shoot the birds (turkeys used for extra safety factor) at the windows to ensure their sound construction.

When hearing about this, british engineers wanted the launcher to help test their new bullet trains. They were alarmed when the turkeys began breaking the window every time they were launched at the train. Very concerned now, the engineers sent nasa a 20 page memo documenting their trials and failed results.

Nasa sent the british a 1 page memo back saying "thaw the turkey".





Sorry for the crappy typing. I'm using my phone now and can only see my previous 3 words.

[TimMullen]

Originally Posted by spumoni1984

When NASA was building the space shuttle, it used a special machine to launch turkeys at over 250mph at the aircraft.

That "urban legend" has been around since at least WWII. First time I've seen it turned into the Shuttle.

Oh, yea, it really doesn't matter if the chicken/turkey is frozen or not - the impact force would be essentially the same.

[xtn]

Originally Posted by TimMullen

That "urban legend" has been around since at least WWII. First time I've seen it turned into the Shuttle.

Oh, yea, it really doesn't matter if the chicken/turkey is frozen or not - the impact force would be essentially the same.

The total force would be the same, but assuming a thawed turkey would deform a bit the force of impact would be distributed over a greater area of windshield, reducing the likelihood of glass breakage.

And I don't think a turkey at 250mph is an adequate test; the space shuttles get to boogieing a lot faster than that.

xtn

[spumoni1984]

Aren't we all engineers!!! Haha. Yea, 250 doesn't seem that fast for a shuttle. But its a joke, and I don't think a 600mph turkey sounds much more reasonable.

Now before this thread gets off track,

[qball]

Originally Posted by TimMullen

That "urban legend" has been around since at least WWII. First time I've seen it turned into the Shuttle.

Oh, yea, it really doesn't matter if the chicken/turkey is frozen or not - the impact force would be essentially the same.

It's partly urband legent.

They DO test aircraft windshields and engines for impact with birds by using a "chicken cannon".

[dfa2100]

And cockpit windshields do deform... birdstrikes are one reason, some other jets can go so fast that their canopy deflects from the force of the wind itself at low altitude. But a frozen and thawed turkey would probably have a big difference, I wouldn't say it is completely false.

[dasmoofler]

The company I worked for makes a coil that goes in turbine engines. I was talking about this very subject with one of their engineers and yes, they do launch thawed turkeys into the engines.

[TimMullen]

Originally Posted by qball

It's partly urband legent.

They DO test aircraft windshields and engines for impact with birds by using a "chicken cannon".

Yes, they do test for bird strikes.

The Urban Legend part is the use by other parities doing it wrong and asking for advice (i.e. un-freeze it, etc.).