Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #1 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 08:16 AM Thread Starter
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Talking Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!!

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The redneck won hands down
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post #2 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 08:33 AM
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If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

************************************************** **

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

************************************************** ***

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Red on Red baby
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post #3 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 09:11 AM Thread Starter
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I was crying after i read that.
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post #4 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 09:12 AM
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I've seen it a couple times before, but still had to try to hold back the laughter.
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post #5 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 09:31 AM
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I've seen it before too, but I lost it at: If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.





Tim Mullen --- There is no such thing as Touring suspension or Touring wheels.

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post #6 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Ok here's another one.


A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."

A second little boy says,"Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY **** my pants!"
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post #7 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 09:59 AM
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Little Johnny rocks!
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post #8 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 10:38 AM
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Eschew Obfuscation
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post #9 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 11:20 AM
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On that note:

A priest is on duty in his catholic church. Its getting late, and its been a slow day taking confessions. So he props the door open a bit to see when someone enters the church so he can relax a bit and get some air.

Just then, he sees a drunk bum stumble into the church. The bum takes a minute to orient himself, then sees the confessional, and staggers towards it.

"This oughta be entertaining", the priest thinks to himself. "Can't wait to hear what this guy has to get off his chest".

So the bum staggers into the confessional and sits down. The priest opens the confessional window and says "yes, my son?". But the bum doesn't answer. So the priest clears his throat to let the bum know he's there and listening. Still no answer. Finally, the priest thinks the bum has fallen asleep so he knocks loudly on the wall. The bum finally speaks up and says:

"No use knockin' pal, theres no paper in this one either"....
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post #10 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 11:30 AM
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In defense of intelligent blondes...



A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute
blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea.

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?

hehe...
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post #11 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 11:38 AM
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A butcher was cutting meat and accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers.

He rushed to the doctor and the doctor asked if he had brought the fingers with him.

He indicated that he hadn't.

The doctor admonished him and stated that in this day and age of micro surgery and modern technogogy he could have probably sewed his fingers on and they would be as good as new.

The butcher replied that he would have brought them, but he had no way to pick them up.
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post #12 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 11:39 AM
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I read the chili cook-off joke about 2 weeks ago and I still had tears in my eyes reading it again.....
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post #13 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 12:14 PM
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The chili one makes me laugh every time. I'm laughing right now and I posted it.

Red on Red baby
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post #14 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 12:17 PM
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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation. He asks, "Where are you flying to today?"

She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago." His mind reeling, he asks, "And what do you do at this meeting?"

"Well," she says, "We try to dissolve some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"And what myths are those?" he continues, choking back his excitement.

She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when actually it is men of Jewish decent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting..." the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto........Tonto Goldstein."

By the way I told this joke at a business meeting 2 years ago. I am still called tonto goldstein to this day.

Red on Red baby
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post #15 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 12:27 PM
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Talking cats & dogs...

If Doc's Were Vet's...

A guy walks into the vet's office with a hamster. He lays the hamster on the table and the doctor says, "I'm sorry, sir, but your hamster is dead."

"I want a second opinion!" the man demands.

So the doctor brings in a cat. The cat walks around the hamster, sniffs him
and shakes its head. "Well the cat says your hamster is dead," says the doctor.

"Well I want a third opinion." So the doctor brings in a Labrador Retriever. The lab walks around the hamster, sniffs him and shakes its head. "The lab says your hamster is dead."

"OK, fine. What do I owe you?"

"$650" the doctor said.

"What?!? What for?"

"Well, you owe me $50, but the other $600 is for the cat scan and the
lab test."

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post #16 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 12:38 PM
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RULES FOR DRIVING IN THE SOUTH



* A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

* Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Southerner never uses them.

* Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

* Tailgating is a "must" to all Southerners.

* Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

* The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.



If you MUST use turn signals, here's how to do it, Southern Style.

* Signal only when you feel like it.

* If you feel you must use your directionals, make sure they blink only once, then turn them off.

* Signal only after you change lanes.

* When driving straight, make sure that at least one directional is blinking at all times. This keeps the drivers behind you on their toes.

* Signal as you approach a curve in the road.

* If you intend to make a right turn, use the left signal.

* If you intend to make a left turn, use the right signal.

* When approaching an intersection, signal to turn and slow down. When other drivers or pedestrians cross in front of you, turn off the signal and go straight.

* When you intend to make a turn, start signaling approximately 6-8 blocks before your turn. Slow down for each block as you approach them.

* Always apply your brakes way before you signal.

* When making a left turn at a busy red light, wait for the light to turn green before you turn on your signal.

* Wait until after you have started to turn or change lanes to use your signals.

* If you must use hand signals instead of your directionals, use your right hand or have your passenger do it out the right side window.

Red on Red baby
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post #17 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-07-2005, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jac
RULES FOR DRIVING IN THE SOUTH
* A right lane...
I would like to state that this is NOT a set of behaviors that are exclusive to Southerners... I experience them EVERY day here in the Midwest.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

This is always the first joke I'll tell someone...

__________________
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"

"What makes you say that?" he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

.
d.a..v...i....d

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post #18 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-09-2005, 06:19 AM Thread Starter
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Another one

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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post #19 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-09-2005, 06:44 AM
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good one!

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post #20 of 552 (permalink) Old 11-09-2005, 11:43 AM
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After 45 years on the job Fred is retiring. He and his wife, Alice, are looking forward to enjoying the fruits of all those years of hard work. Money is a little tight rigt now since they just bought a retirment home on the shores of a canal a little ways off the main river. Fred's first pension check arrives and they need to decide what to buy. Alice really needs a hearing aid, and Fred wants to buy a fishing boat so they can take advantage of living on the water. They talk it over and Alice tells Fred to go ahead and get the boat since he's the one that worked all those years to earn a pension and she can wait another month for her hearing aid.

Fred goes out and buys the new boat and the next morning he and Alice take it out for a cruise. They head up the canal and when they get to the main river they need to decide which way to go. Fred feeling pretty generous since Alice let him get his boat, so he asks her which way she wants to go, up or down. Alice looks at him kind of funny, says nothing, but strips, lays down in the bottom of the boat and spreads her legs. Fred thinks this is a bit odd, but not one to pass up such an opportunity, he drops his pants and climbs on top.

A few days later, Fred and Alice take the boat out. Fred, in an even better mood after their recent escapade again asks his wife which way, up or down. The same thing happens, Alice gets naked and they go at it like a couple of college kids from a small midwestern college.

For the rest of the month, every time they take the boat onto the river, the same thing happens. Finally, Fred's 2nd pension check arrives and they go out and get Alice her hearing aid. The next day they head out to the river and when they get to the junction Fred looks over to his wife, smiles and asks, "honey, which way, up or down?" to which Alice responds, "Up or down... UP OR DOWN!!! all this time I thought your were saying **** or drown!"

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