Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 2 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #21 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2005, 07:57 PM
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My favorites (Some of these work a whole lot better when actually spoken... it's hard to be punny when you're writing them):

_____________________

Two fish are sitting in their tank. One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

_____________________

Two peanuts are walking down the street. One was assaulted.

_____________________

A fish is swimming up the river. Hits his head. Says, "Dam."

_____________________

So e^x and a constant are walking down the street on their way to the bar. They come to an alley and are about to cut through it when deep in the shadows the constant spies a derivitive operator. He looks at e^x and says, "e^x, we can't go this way! There's a derivitive operator lurking down there! If he get's a hold of me, I'll turn into nothing!"

e^x chuckles a little bit and replies, "Don't worry little buddy, I'm e^x. When a derivitive operator gets a hold of me, I remain the same." And so e^x strolled right up to that derivitive operator and said, "Hello there. I'm e^x."

The derivitive operator replied, "Hello. I'm d/dy."

Nightfall Blue, Biscuit Interior, Hardtop

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings...
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post #22 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 05:10 AM
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I'm not sure if I should be admitting that I found that last one funny.

Last edited by sonza68; 11-10-2005 at 05:34 AM.
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post #23 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 05:27 AM Thread Starter
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Guess you have to know math.. lol


Here's another.


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"
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post #24 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 05:58 AM
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"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"
If I understand correctly, in CA a minor can just get an abortion on their alone with no need to inform, advise or seek consent from their parents. A proposal to change that failed in the recent elections. As a Dad I think I'd want to know about things like this! Guess I'm in the minority? So now the sister (of ANY age) can just say nothing and simply deal with the matter on her own?
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post #25 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 06:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stan
If I understand correctly, in CA a minor can just get an abortion on their alone with no need to inform, advise or seek consent from their parents. A proposal to change that failed in the recent elections. As a Dad I think I'd want to know about things like this! Guess I'm in the minority? So now the sister (of ANY age) can just say nothing and simply deal with the matter on her own?
I sense this thread's going to stop being funny real soon.

'05 Elise, GG/Red, Touring, SS, HT - SOLD
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post #26 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 07:03 AM
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These are fabulous! Keep 'em coming!


Jokes aren't my specialty; can never remember them properly to tell them. No gift for that. Sigh. But here's a couple of 'easy' questions that confuse the heck out of otherwise intelligent people. Try them and see!

1. If an egg and a half cost a cent and a half, how much do twelve eggs cost?

2. How many six cent stamps in a dozen?

And in keeping with the thread:

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow.




An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.

He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: "I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:

"What, you're not going to kiss me?"

"Nope," replied the old man. "At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac."




At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

'05 Elise -Krypton Green, Touring, Hardtop, Starshield
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post #27 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 08:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stan
If I understand correctly, in CA a minor can just get an abortion on their alone with no need to inform, advise or seek consent from their parents. A proposal to change that failed in the recent elections. As a Dad I think I'd want to know about things like this! Guess I'm in the minority? So now the sister (of ANY age) can just say nothing and simply deal with the matter on her own?
That is for the relationship with your child to control. Not the state or feds or unmoral minority to decide. Now back to our regularly scheduled laugh track.
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post #28 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 08:41 AM
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Quote:
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That is for the relationship with your child to control. Not the state or feds or unmoral minority to decide. Now back to our regularly scheduled laugh track.
The root cause is when kids start acting like adults but aren't yet adults. Consider a slightly different situation:

"Tried as an adult for murder."

I'll not post my opinions on either matter. Next joke please?
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post #29 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he is being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range. "Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them?"

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your wallet or I'll jump off the ladder!"
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post #30 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 09:04 AM
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There are four people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks, "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks, "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks, "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French **** again"
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post #31 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 10:46 AM
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ok, another geek joke:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world


























those who understand binary and those who dont

edit: ok, ok, I'm in the 10nd category

Ways to get to the office:
2005 Elise, AS, Stage II, Fujita intake, better speakers
2005 Acura MDX
2012 MB CLS550
2001 Ducati Monster 750
2003 Porsche 996tt

Last edited by m3m750; 11-10-2005 at 03:03 PM.
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post #32 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 10:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by m3m750
ok, another geek joke:

There are 11 kinds of people in the world


those who understand binary and those who dont
Uhh, that would be 1 kinds of people in the world,
those who understand binary (1) and those who don't (0).

Geeks always count from zero.
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post #33 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 10:57 AM
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Uhh, that would be 1 kinds of people in the world,
those who understand binary (1) and those who don't (0).

Geeks always count from zero.
Nope, some things are cardinal, some are ordinal.

Ways to get to the office:
2005 Elise, AS, Stage II, Fujita intake, better speakers
2005 Acura MDX
2012 MB CLS550
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post #34 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 11:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by m3m750
ok, another geek joke:

... 11 ...and those who dont
So I guess you're admitting to being one of those who don't.
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post #35 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 12:19 PM
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Nope, some things are cardinal, some are ordinal.
There's nothing ordinal about the Cardinals!
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post #36 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 12:22 PM
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My all time favorite

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver!



BECAUSE SHE'S A WOMAN
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post #37 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 12:43 PM
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New facelift surgery

woman goes to DR. for information, finds out the new surgery they put a small slit on the side of your head. They then give you a key,you put into slit and tighten as needed. She loves the idea and has the surgery... 3 months later she goes running into the DR. office crying and pointing under her eye's and say's look at these lump's under my eyes!!!!!!!!! The DR. looks @ the woman and says those aren't lumps,those are your BREAST'S.... To which the woman reply's OH THAT EXPLAINS THE GOTEE
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post #38 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 01:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by m3m750
ok, another geek joke:

There are 11 kinds of people in the world

those who understand binary and those who dont
Uh, 11 binary is 3 decimal. So, what is the third person?
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post #39 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 01:23 PM
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Pregnancy Q & A!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure! . Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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post #40 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 01:28 PM
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You guys remind me of a little story:

A friend of mine worked for a company that made chips for cell phones. They were "generally" a group of geeky guys, but nice enough anyway. My friend was "less" of a geek than them (his name is Thor, after all) and one day a relatively attractive woman came into the office.

These guys probably hadn't seen a girl in weeks, let alone had a date or gotten laid. Anyway, she came in to Thor's office, dropped something off, and left.

The mob rushes in, "Whoa, Thor, did you see that?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, that was incredible."

"I guess."

"So what do you think Thor, what would you rate her?"

"I don't know, maybe a 7."



"No, Thor, binary numbers, 1 or 0, would you do her or not?"

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
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