Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 3 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #41 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisH
Uh, 11 binary is 3 decimal. So, what is the third person?
That will be m3m750 since he partially knows it, maybe his voltage is high enough not to be a 0 but low enough not to be a 1.

Edit: Add ChrisB to the third type too

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post #42 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChrisB
Uhh, that would be 1 kinds of people in the world,
those who understand binary (1) and those who don't (0).

Geeks always count from zero.
Ahem.

to correct your correction it should be 10, 10b = 2dec

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post #43 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:23 PM
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If you guys keep this up, we are going to have to change the name of this thread. I can't laugh when I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

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post #44 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:26 PM
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And now for something completely different.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

































Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. Ba - dum - bump...

Covered in Brandy and Lard

Last edited by mikester; 11-10-2005 at 02:29 PM.
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post #45 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:33 PM
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Two kinds of people

Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel
Ahem.

to correct your correction it should be 10, 10b = 2dec
Or: There are two kinds of people in the world:
(1) Those who believe that there are two kinds of
people in the world, and (2) Those who don't believe
that there are two kinds of people in the world.

"Statistics means never having to say you're certain.” —Anon.
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post #46 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:39 PM
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So a guy walks into a doctor's office.

"D..D..D..Doc, I..I..I.. G..G..Got a P..P..Problem."

"Yes, you certainly do," says the doctor, noticing the obvious stutter. He proceeds to examine the man, and after awhile comes up with a diagnosis.

"You see," says the doctor, "It appears your penis is simply too big and all the blood it is using up is leaving the part of your brain that is applied to speech."

"W..W..Well W..W..What Can I..I..I do?"

"It just so happens we have a new surgery where we take a piece out of the middle, and then attach the front to the back, good as new but smaller."

"O..O..O..O K, I..I..I'll do it."





A week after the surgery the man comes back into to doctor's office, talking really clearly and quite quickly as well.

"Doc, I'm feeling great, see, stutter's gone. It really is a world of difference, don't you think? However now I've got another problem. You see, the wife's been a little disappointed as of late, you know, with the smaller johnson and everthing, so I was thinking about it and... Well do you think its possible for me to have the piece put back in.





The doctor replies, "F....F....F... *ck off!"

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post #47 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverArsenal
So a guy walks into a doctor's office.

"D..D..D..Doc, I..I..I.. G..G..Got a P..P..Problem."

"Yes, you certainly do," says the doctor, noticing the obvious stutter. He proceeds to examine the man, and after awhile comes up with a diagnosis.

"You see," says the doctor, "It appears your penis is simply too big and all the blood it is using up is leaving the part of your brain that is applied to speech."

"W..W..Well W..W..What Can I..I..I do?"

"It just so happens we have a new surgery where we take a piece out of the middle, and then attach the front to the back, good as new but smaller."

"O..O..O..O K, I..I..I'll do it."





A week after the surgery the man comes back into to doctor's office, talking really clearly and quite quickly as well.

"Doc, I'm feeling great, see, stutter's gone. It really is a world of difference, don't you think? However now I've got another problem. You see, the wife's been a little disappointed as of late, you know, with the smaller johnson and everthing, so I was thinking about it and... Well do you think its possible for me to have the piece put back in.





The doctor replies, "F....F....F... *ck off!"

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post #48 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 02:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by O4dW
So I guess you're admitting to being one of those who don't.
oops, fixed

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post #49 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 03:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dfa2100
So e^x and a constant are walking down the street on their way to the bar. They come to an alley and are about to cut through it when deep in the shadows the constant spies a derivitive operator. He looks at e^x and says, "e^x, we can't go this way! There's a derivitive operator lurking down there! If he get's a hold of me, I'll turn into nothing!"

e^x chuckles a little bit and replies, "Don't worry little buddy, I'm e^x. When a derivitive operator gets a hold of me, I remain the same." And so e^x strolled right up to that derivitive operator and said, "Hello there. I'm e^x."

The derivitive operator replied, "Hello. I'm d/dy."
OMGWTFROFLMAOBBQ!!!

hahaha

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post #50 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:09 PM
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Light Bulb Joke

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?



None. It's a hardware problem...




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post #51 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:11 PM
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Glass and Water

An optimist sees the glass as half full.

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty.

An engineer sees that the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.




Tim Mullen --- There is no such thing as Touring suspension or Touring wheels.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one person that you want to annoy for the rest of your life. - Rita Rudner


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post #52 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TimMullen
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?



None. It's a hardware problem...

Oh, now you're gonna get me going.

Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?

A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not
up to code.
A3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
A6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can
I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
A7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I lead these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.
A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the
walls and furniture.
A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb?
A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the
dark.
A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
A13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
A14. New Zealand Sheep Dog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a
little cluster...
A15. Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do
it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light
bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect
some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

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post #53 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:28 PM
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When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

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post #54 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:29 PM
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A few more I like

Q: How many schizophreniacs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so..

Q: How many smokers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: At least five. If they all light up together the lightbulb will do so eventually.

Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done
everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better

Q: How many movie actresses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but you should've seen the line outside the producer's hotel room.

Q:How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE.

Q: How many "Changing lightbulbs"-joke writers does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A: Two hundred, and don't ask why because they haven't -figured that out yet

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
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post #55 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:32 PM
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lightlbulb horoscope

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.
A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten
course meal and some great sex.
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is
useless and should be thrown away.

Q: How many Geminis does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two (of course) but it will take all week, and when they're done the
lightbulb will do your homework, speak French, and shine any color you
want it to.
A: Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of
the 'Bluffer's Guide to Changing Lightbulbs.'
A: Two, but they never change it - they just keep arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them
through the grief process.
A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!
A: None: Cancerians would worry themselves to death with the problem.

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their
agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while they're out.
A: None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs.
They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
A: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
A: Let's see: One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned
out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb
burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to
decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb...

Q: How many Libras does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Er, two. Or maybe one. No - on second thoughts, make that
two. Is that okay with you?
A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
A: Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and
where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an
ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find
a new lightbulb, or...

Q: How many Scorpios does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why do you want to know ? Are you a cop ?
A: None - they'd rather sit in the dark.
A: That information is strictly secret and only shared with the inner
members of the heirarchical Order.

Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Look, ask me when I get back from India, okay ?
A: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out
light bulb?
A: A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for
them to give the bulb a quarter turn a piece.

Q: How many Capricorns does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs - unless they're
a legitimate business expense.
A: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.
A: None: Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out
again tomorrow anyway.

Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...
A: A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the
bulb and bring light to the world.
A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to
do all your work for you ? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of
you asking me questions.

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Huh? The light's out?
A: What lightbulb?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Q: How many Arians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.
A: Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?
A: Only one, but it takes a lot of lightbulbs. (*smash*)

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
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post #56 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:37 PM
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OK, I'll stop with the lightbulb jokes, but if you read all that you'll notice golden retreivers must all be Sagittarians.

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post #57 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miguel
Ahem.

to correct your correction it should be 10, 10b = 2dec
Yes, but we're talking about states (those who do and those who don't), not counting things. One bit covers that situation nicely.

(I have to add this to make the non-geeks think we're still telling jokes and haven't hijacked a fantastic thread):
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post #58 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 04:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BLUR
OMGWTFROFLMAOBBQ!!!
Ok, have to ask. Got the first 13, but does "BBQ" mean anything other than BBQ?

'05 Elise -Krypton Green, Touring, Hardtop, Starshield
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post #59 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-10-2005, 05:04 PM
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Mr. Smith went to the Doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We cannot tell which is your wife."

Mr Smith: "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't f*** her."


The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?

2. Do you love me?

3. Do I look fat in this?

4. Do you think she is prettier than me?

5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!"
or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, [email protected]*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Sh&%.


'05 Elise -Krypton Green, Touring, Hardtop, Starshield

Last edited by heidi528; 11-10-2005 at 05:09 PM.
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post #60 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2005, 03:47 AM Thread Starter
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Here's a Golf one.

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick Rendezvous into an Irish gas station. An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is, "Top o' the morning to ya". As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket. "So what are those thing my, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.

"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaimed the Irish attendant. "Those fellas working for Buick think of everything!"
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