Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 4 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #61 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2005, 06:43 AM
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An oldie, but a goodie...

Doorbell rings at an expensive country house, the owner opens the door to find a hobo standing there looking a little the worse for wear. The hobo asks if there are any odd jobs around the house he could do for money or food, and the guy takes pity on him.

"All right, if you go around the back of the house you'll find a couple of cans of paint, use them to paint the porch. Do two nice coats and I'll give you $20 and a hot meal."

Well the hobo is delighted and scurries off to do his duty. Couple of hours later he taps at the door again to claim his meal and money.

"So, how did it go - two coats, right?" asks the owner.

"Yes sir, two coats, and everything went fine. Well except for one thing - I was a bit confused at first."

"So why was that - seems like a simple job?"

"Well, begging your pardon sir, and I'm no expert, but I don't think that's a porch - I believe it's a Ferrari."

05 SY 4/28/2005 - 3/17/2006 - RIP
06 SY 5/6/2006 - 10/29/09 - SOLD

Last edited by roadrunner; 11-15-2005 at 04:34 PM. Reason: typo
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post #62 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2005, 07:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heidi528
Ok, have to ask. Got the first 13, but does "BBQ" mean anything other than BBQ?
.....it just means BBQ...::sigh::

meaning: its just another acronym to add onto the running acronym list.

i guess no one's heard of this one...

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post #63 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2005, 08:08 AM
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Ah.... Thought it would be more catchy, like "bustin' b*lls quietly" or something. BBQ. Definitely different.

'05 Elise -Krypton Green, Touring, Hardtop, Starshield
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post #64 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2005, 08:20 AM
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My turn!

Guess this guy's job!

http://www.frigginfunny.com/videos/m...=yesyesyes.wmv

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post #65 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 11:45 AM
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More lightbulb jokes:

Q. How many fighter pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one, he holds it over his head and the world revolves around him.

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but don't ask me how they got there.

Q. How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it takes 37 visits.

Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A fish.

Long summer days, and beautiful country
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post #66 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-12-2005, 11:54 AM
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An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin and orders three pints of Guiness. After they are poured, he takes them to a corner tables and drinks them all with a sad look in his eyes.

He continues this behavior for several months before the bartender comments that the beer would be better if he got them one at a time. He responds, "My two brothers and I left our home in the country to seek our fortunes. I came to Dublin and my brothers went to Boston and Sydney. Before we parted, we agreed that we'd each find a pub where we would drink the pints of Guiness to remember the times we had together."

The bartender is satisfied with his answer and continues to pour his three pints whenever he came in. After a year or so, the Irishman stops coming to the bar for several months. When he finally returns, he only orders two pints. He takes them to his table and drinks them slowly.

The bartender and other customers guess that one of his brothers must have died, so the next day the bartender expresses condolences for his loss. The Irishman gets a confused look on his face, and then understands what the bartender means. He smiles at the bartender and says, "Oh, my brothers are both fine. It's just that I've quit drinking."

Long summer days, and beautiful country
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post #67 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 07:26 AM
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Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. While driving through Transylvania, they stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" Sister Catherine shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," said Sister Catherine. She opened the window and shouted, "Get the f*#& off the car!"
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post #68 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 07:32 AM
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A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled "Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!"

"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"

"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch fish!"

"Really? Well, help me land this Son of a Bitch!"

Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.

"Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen"

"Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch. What should I do with it?"

"Why eat it of course. You've never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!"

Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"

Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"

"It's OK Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a Bitch
fish!"

"Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?"

"Why, eat it, of course. The guide said nothing compares to the taste of a Son of a Bitch."

The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.

"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch," she said.

As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

"What are you doing Sister?"

"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the Pope's dinner.

"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"

"No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish."

"Really? Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch."

On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was perfect. The
Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was wine, and the
fish was excellent.

The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"

"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.

The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.

"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.

The Pope sat silent in disbelief.

And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe!"

The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile crept across his face.

"You f*#&ers are all right!!"
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post #69 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 07:58 AM
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Well, if we're doing Priests and Nuns...

The priest from the church on the edge of town had an appointment to visit the Mother Superior of the local convent on the other side of the city. Unfortunately, the priest had had many issues to deal with at the church that day, and was late leaving for his appointment. Knowing that the Mother Superior hated to be kept waiting, he reluctantly decided to take a shortcut through the seedier part of the city.

After taking a couple of wrong turns in the unfamiliar surroundings, the priest found he had wandered into the red light district. As he turned a corner he encountered one of the local girls dressed for business.

"Well, hello father" the girl said. "Don't see many of you folks around these parts, but I'm always happy to entertain a new customer. How about $5 for a quickie?".

The priest is very flustered by this brazen approach and, moreover, has no idea what the girl is talking about. He stumbles off in the general direction of the convent, and once again encounters another lady of the evening.

"Hello father" says the girl "just $5 for a quickie."

The priest scampers off at a heightened pace, and eventually finds his way out of the red light area, but not before being propositioned several more times by the eager girls. Finally he finds his way to the convent, and is shown to the Mother Superior's office, just in time for his appointment.

"Good to see you again father, please take a seat" offers the Mother Superior. "My, you look flustered father; is something troubling you?" she asks.

"Well, there is something" says the priest "but I'm a little embarrassed to ask".

The Mother Superior reassures him that no topic is off limits between them, so the priest decides to satisfy his curiosity.

"Well Reverend Mother, I was approached by some young women today on my way here through downtown, and I was just wondering - what's a quickie?" he pleads.

"No need to be embarrassed at all" says the Mother Superior "it's always best to ask if you're not sure. A quickie is $5, same as it is in town."

05 SY 4/28/2005 - 3/17/2006 - RIP
06 SY 5/6/2006 - 10/29/09 - SOLD
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post #70 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 08:11 AM
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The difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance.

Eschew Obfuscation
Got mine 03-25-05 Ardent /biscuit /touring /3M / hard top
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post #71 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 01:53 PM
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A cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills....

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog don't talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Indian: (Look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing to the Indian)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the
elements."
Indian: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep lie!!!"
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post #72 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 03:20 PM
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One veterans day, an old WWI fighter pilot was giving a talk to an elementary school class about the war. He started telling them about a huge dog fight where the pilot and his wingman battled it out with a group of German fighters.

"We were flying along and suddenly we were being attacked. Them Folkers were coming at us out of the Sun, and there were more Folkers than I'd ever seen.

When a couple of the children giggled, the teacher quickly interrupted to explain to the class that "Folkers were a type of German airplane".

The WWI veteran quickly responded with "Yea, and them Folkers were flying Messerschmitts..."




Tim Mullen --- There is no such thing as Touring suspension or Touring wheels.

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Last edited by TimMullen; 11-13-2005 at 03:24 PM.
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post #73 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-13-2005, 04:55 PM
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Love these - here's a couple of my favorites...

Quote:
Originally Posted by cerven
The difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance.
The difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?

The poor marksman shoots, but can't hit.


The difference between a counterfeit dollar bill and Lara Flynn Boyle?

The dollar bill is a phony buck.

05 SY 4/28/2005 - 3/17/2006 - RIP
06 SY 5/6/2006 - 10/29/09 - SOLD
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post #74 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 10:50 AM
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The difference between a tribe of Pygmies and a women's track team? The Pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.

And

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat." The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

Eschew Obfuscation
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post #75 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 11:04 AM
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My favorite OLD lawyer joke:

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I
can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know, screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"

Eschew Obfuscation
Got mine 03-25-05 Ardent /biscuit /touring /3M / hard top
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post #76 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 11:26 AM
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(To be told in your best Irish accent)

An Irishman was do'in a bit 'o work for the O'Leary widow, clean'in out 'er attic.

He'd found an old rusty oil lamp up there and asked her if he could take it as partial payment, clean it up and sell it. She allowed it and soon the day was over and he was off to the pub.

He placed the old lamp on the bar and ordered a pint.
"What's that", asked the bar keeper.

"Oh, just an old lamp that I'm going to clean up and sell," said the Irishman.

With that, he rubbed off some of the dirt it on his shirt, the lamp began to shake, smoke billowed out and a Genie appeared.

"I grant the owner of this lamp 2 wishes and then I shall be free", said the Genie.

The Irishman thought for a moment and then said, "I'd like to have a pint that was never empty."

The Genie gave a quick nod in the direction of his glass. The Irishman picked up the glass, finished off the pint (glug, glug, glug, glug, glug) and set it back on the bar. In a few seconds the glass began to fill up with the finest Guinness had to offer. The Irishman picked up the glass again and finished off the pint (glug, glug, glug, glug, glug). Again, to everyone's amazement if filled itself again.

The Genie then said, "Master you have one more wish left....how can I serve you?"

The Irishman thought for a moment and then said,

"I tink I'll have another one 'a deese!"

Last edited by MyElise; 11-14-2005 at 11:31 AM.
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post #77 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 11:52 AM
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3 Texas Surgeons

Three Surgeons
>
> Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
> they had performed.
>
> One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7
> fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a
> private concert for the Queen of England."
>
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs
> in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in
> field events in the Olympics."
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy
> who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train
> traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass
> and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."
>

My daily driver is an orange plastic toaster

Last edited by Andrikos; 11-14-2005 at 11:55 AM.
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post #78 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 12:45 PM
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Well, if we're doing desert islands....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cerven
... had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
So, a guy has been stranded alone on a desert island for months. He has long since run out of supplies and has been living off the land. One day to his surprise he finds a gorgeous young woman dressed in a wet suit unconscious in the surf.

He rushes over to rescue the girl and manages to revive her just in time. When she comes around she explains that she had been scuba diving and was left behind by her tour boat in rough weather.

"I've been drifting for days and I thought I was going to die" says the woman, "and then you saved me." The woman blushes a little and says "I'm terribly grateful - is there anything I can do for you, anything at all?"

The man thinks for a minute and says "well, I ran out of supplies quite a while ago - I'd love a nice cold beer, but I don't suppose..."

"Say no more" says the woman, as she unzips one of the pouches on the wet suit and pulls out a frosty bottle of beer. "Here - anything else?" she asks, coyly.

The man takes a long pull on his beer and ponders a moment. "Well, I haven't had anything except banana leaves to smoke in ages - I'd kill for a cigar."

The woman unzips another pocket on the wet suit and pulls out a cutter, a lighter and a waterproof case with a Cohiba inside. She trims the cigar and lights it for the guy before handing it over.

The guy is obviously very impressed, and sits back with his beer and cigar to think over his next request. Before he can think of it, the woman starts pulling down the front zipper of her wet suit, revealing ample cleavage. She leans towards him and says, "so, would you like to play around?"

The guy is clearly taken aback, shocked even. "This is unbelievable!" he says. "The beer was impressive, and the cigar I can accept as an amazing piece of luck, but lady, there is no f***ing way you could fit a set of golf clubs in there."

05 SY 4/28/2005 - 3/17/2006 - RIP
06 SY 5/6/2006 - 10/29/09 - SOLD
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post #79 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-14-2005, 01:30 PM
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A few years back it was all over the news about how this woman, Lorena Bobbitt, had gotten mad at her husband, John, and cut off his penis while he was sleeping.

She then ran out of the house, got in the car and drove off. While driving away, she disposed of the item by throwing it out the car window.

It was later recovered and surgically, and successfully, reattached. Lorena was found innocent by reason of insanity. Her husband went on to a career in porno movies (true story...Google it).

What isn't reported is that when she threw the penis out of her car window, it actually hit another car's windshield first before coming to rest in the ditch where it was later found.

The other car was driving in the opposite direction with two occupants. The passenger of the other car turned to the driver and said "Did you see the size of the D*ck on that fly?!!"

68 Mustang Fastback, Highland Green (Bullitt)

RIP - NFB, Biscuit, Touring, Stage II, Gull Wing Top, V-1, Ragnorak Mirror, Painted console, RC-10 Remote, Ipod adapter, Polk DB400 & DB650 upgrade, Trunk Bootie,
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post #80 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-16-2005, 10:53 AM
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Catholic School Girls

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

.
d.a..v...i....d

David Thomas Stewart - [email protected]
2005 Midnight Silver Lotus Elise (www.darksol.com)
388hp (342whp) BOE RevX 1736lbs.

Last edited by darkSol; 11-16-2005 at 10:56 AM.
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