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post #81 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-16-2005, 11:20 AM
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another desert island

So a guy is having a rough time (job, women, etc.) and he decides to go on a cruise. Like all jokes with a cruise the ship sinks and he winds up on a desert island. There was only one other survivor who made it to the island with him, and it just happened to be Cindy Crawford!!!

So they make a little life for themselves, find food, water, and they are having sex like three times a day. Everything is absolutely wonderful.

Well one day Cindy comes up to her man and notices he seems a bit down.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Nothing," he replies.

"Come on, what is it?"

"Well," he says. "Is there any chance you could dress up like a guy?"

"What?" she says.

"You know, put on some men's clothes, maybe a hat."

Cindy stands there stunned for a minute, but contemplates the request and agrees. She goes up into the trees, changes clothes, and after a few minutes comes back down. "OK?"




He turns to look at her and says, "Dude, you won't believe who I'm f**king!!

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination
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post #82 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-16-2005, 11:24 AM Thread Starter
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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bull$hit. I gotta go home and f&*k the cat."
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post #83 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-16-2005, 01:57 PM
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride whose pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun," the doctor continued, "so he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him," "that's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must have shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.
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post #84 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 07:39 AM
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet".


Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"


The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the evening leads!" Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
back to the man.


The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"


The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them...

hehehehehe!
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post #85 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-22-2005, 11:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverArsenal
So a guy is having a rough time (job, women, etc.) and he decides to go on a cruise. Like all jokes with a cruise the ship sinks and he winds up on a desert island. There was only one other survivor who made it to the island with him, and it just happened to be Cindy Crawford!!!

So they make a little life for themselves, find food, water, and they are having sex like three times a day. Everything is absolutely wonderful.

Well one day Cindy comes up to her man and notices he seems a bit down.

"What's wrong?" she asks.

"Nothing," he replies.

"Come on, what is it?"

"Well," he says. "Is there any chance you could dress up like a guy?"

"What?" she says.

"You know, put on some men's clothes, maybe a hat."

Cindy stands there stunned for a minute, but contemplates the request and agrees. She goes up into the trees, changes clothes, and after a few minutes comes back down. "OK?"




He turns to look at her and says, "Dude, you won't believe who I'm f**king!!
My wife and I flew down to Cabo San Lucas last month and Cindy Crawford was on our flight. If I'd known she was so easy, I would have struck up a conversation.
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post #86 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-05-2006, 10:23 AM
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Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This
would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to
Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship
hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of
course, as Sinko de Mayo.
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post #87 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-05-2006, 12:09 PM
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bwahahaha!

You have the best jokes! Thanks!

z
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post #88 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-05-2006, 01:30 PM
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Jokes

A guy walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife is laying on the bed. He says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not available."

His wife says, "I assume you realize that that's a sheep".

He replies, "You assume I'm talking to you."



You know how some men play "hard to get"? I play hard to take.



Smoking:

Whenever people bug me about smoking, I tell them that my mom taught me that "no one likes a quitter".

I tried the patch once, but it didn't work. I couldn't get used to seeing out of only one eye.



Cars:

The Lexus engineers devised a new test for body integrity. They'd pull the car into the shop, roll up the windows, throw a cat into the car and close the doors. If in the morning, the cat was dead, they knew they had a tight car.

So, Chrysler engineers heard of this and tried the same test. In the morning, the cat was gone.


From Gary Shandling: A friend just bought a "Porsch". Some people call it a Porsch, some call it a Porsh-a. I don't know which is correct, all I know is that I drive a Toyot.



Two atoms are walking down the street. One says, "I just lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first say, "Yes, I'm positive."

(Don't bother with the factual discrepancy here.)




True Story: I'm crewing for a friend at BeaverRun, staying away from my Elise as I'm busy and don't have time to talk. But, I have to open the trunk to get a band-aid. Sure enough, as soon as I do, some guy saunters over.

He looks at the tiny trunk opening and says, "Boy, it'd be hard to take a woman on a trip in a car like this."

I reply, "No, you just chop her into little piece first."

He says, "No, I meant her luggage".

I tell him I know what he meant.
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post #89 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-05-2006, 02:27 PM
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Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That D***###@
Gay Cowboy Movie

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."

4. "Howdy, pardner."

5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."

7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."

8. "Let's mount up!"

9. "Nice spread ya got there!"

10. "Ride'em cowboy!"

Proud owner of a 2006 Storm Titanium Elise
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post #90 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-06-2006, 03:58 PM
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked." "Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the monkey.
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post #91 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-06-2006, 04:02 PM
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post #92 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2006, 02:46 PM
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"What did the rug say to the Christmas Tree?"

"I can see your balls."

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post #93 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2006, 02:52 PM
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Construction sign spotted in San Diego

It is all about "Other".
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post #94 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2006, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EldersburgElise
"What did the rug say to the Christmas Tree?"

"I can see your balls."
A man walks into his psychiatrist's office dressed in nothing but cellophane. The psychiatrist looks up and says 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'
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post #95 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2006, 03:22 PM
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Cool

Love the Chili -

Here's my offering:

Cuckoo
-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Just after my friend Dave got married, he was invited out for a night
with ‘the boys.’
Dave told his wife that he would be home by midnight ...
promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the drinks were going down easy and at around 3am drunk as a skunk, he went home.

Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock started and cuckooed
three times. Quickly he realized she’d probably be awakened by the
sound, so … he cuckooed another nine times. Dave was really proud
of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape
this possible conflict.

The next morning Dave’s wife asked him what time he got in and he
toldher “midnight.” Phew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.
When he asked her why she said:
“Well it cuckooed three times, said “Damn”,
cuckooed another four times, farted,
cuckooed another three times,
cleared its throat and cuckooed twice, then giggled!”

Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit

I can help you move TO anywhere in the USA FROM anywhere in the USA - ask me how...
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post #96 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-08-2006, 07:48 AM
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Here's an old one

It was an early December morning at the White House several years ago. Jimmy Carter was President and arose to the sight of several inches of fresh snow on the ground. He decides to arise and take a walk around the grounds. He nudges his wife, Rosalyn, but she replies she has a headache and would prefer to sleep in.

During his walk he notices two sets of footprints in the snow leading to beneath a tree where he also finds several empty bottles of beer. The footprints then lead to an area nearby where written in yellow were the following words "f*** you Jimmy". Immediately the President surmises that this was the work of his troublesome brother Billy, so he calls the White House security who take an analysis of the "yellow" snow and the footprints.

The following day the chief of security approaches Mr. Carter telling him "I have good news and bad news." "The good news is that you were correct, your brother Billy was involved in this incident. The bad news is the handwriting was Rosalyn's.
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post #97 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-08-2006, 09:21 AM
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A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the Captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the Show."Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it ........ the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.....


and then 2 days...







then 3 days...








Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said ......








"OK, I give up. Where's the f**cking ship?"

________________
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05 Elise SC
67 Lotus Elan (sold but not forgotten)

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post #98 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-26-2006, 05:17 AM
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Just got this on e-mail. Gentlemen, take note:

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend
out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly
optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought
her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model
and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed
to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of
pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for
her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for
Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an
Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's
Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are
you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
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post #99 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-26-2006, 08:52 AM
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What do you call a black man flying a plane?






A PILOT YOU FUC&*^G RACISTS! lol... sorry if this was a little off color

2002 SC Nissan SE model Xterra -SEXterra -SOLD
2005 KG Lotus Elise- SOLD
-2013 Sti - Sold
-2015 Sti - SOLD
-2016 Lexus RC 350 Fsport -returned at end of lease
-2018 Hyundai Tucson (Turbo)
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post #100 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-26-2006, 11:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clymber
Just got this on e-mail. Gentlemen, take note:

The International Rules of Manhood

...
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.
...
Holy crap! That's about 1/2 of the male friends I have... on ET.

.
d.a..v...i....d

David Thomas Stewart - [email protected]
2005 Midnight Silver Lotus Elise (www.darksol.com)
388hp (342whp) BOE RevX 1736lbs.
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