Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 6 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #101 of 553 (permalink) Old 06-24-2006, 12:19 PM
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Hillary Clinton gets elected President in 2008 and is spending her first night in the White House - alone. She has waited soo long........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that!"

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary asks,
"How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater..."
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post #102 of 553 (permalink) Old 06-24-2006, 01:55 PM
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Should be said in "Valley girl accent"

Police officer pulls over speeding red BMW

Officer: Mam, I need to see your license

Female driver (FD): Oh my God, what's that?

Officer: It's a card that says you can drive, I need to see your registration

FD: Oh my God, what's that?

Officer: It's a piece of paper that says you own this vehicle - wait here please

Police officer returns in a few minutes with his pants pulled down

FD: Oh my God, not another breathalizer test!

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post #103 of 553 (permalink) Old 06-24-2006, 02:10 PM
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A man is walking along the sidewalk and sees a boy in a little red wagon wearing a fireman's hat. The boy is tugging on a rope that is tied around a dog's nads, and the dog is (slowly) pulling the wagon along.

The man walks over and says, "you know, son, if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck he would move faster".

The boy says, "yeah, but then I'd lose my siren..."
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post #104 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-04-2006, 01:25 AM
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"

Things slow down as you go fast.
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post #105 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-04-2006, 08:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrisaguayo
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why is the groom wearing black?"
Talk about a great sense of timing. I'm getting married in 3 days! <rofl>




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post #106 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-05-2006, 03:02 PM
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Guy walks into his psychologists office naked and wrapped from head to toe in Saran Wrap, His psych looks him up and down and says "I can clearly see your nuts!"
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post #107 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-05-2006, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XeeeeeJ
Guy walks into his psychologists office naked and wrapped from head to toe in Saran Wrap, His psych looks him up and down and says "I can clearly see your nuts!"
See post #94
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post #108 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-27-2006, 11:06 AM
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EldersburgElise, this is for you.....

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (that's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 2: "What's that?"

Lady 1: "A condom."

Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"

Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."
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post #109 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-27-2006, 11:10 AM
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."
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post #110 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-28-2006, 04:35 AM
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A termite walks into a bar, and says, "Is the bartender here?"

(I'll give you a minute on that one.)

My other car is an MR2 Spyder.
My other other car is a Segway.
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post #111 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-28-2006, 04:37 AM
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A man sees a little kid on the street, eating a large bag of candy.

Man: "Young man, eating all that candy is bad for your health."
Kid: "Oh yeah? Well my grandfather lived to be 102."
Man: "Did he eat a lot of candy?"


Kid: "No, he minded his own f**king business!"

My other car is an MR2 Spyder.
My other other car is a Segway.

Last edited by pinmagic; 07-28-2006 at 05:54 AM.
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post #112 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 11:56 AM
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s
like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old
man replied,

“Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.”
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post #113 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 02:17 PM
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert, can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in".

'05 Lotus Elise
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post #114 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 02:45 PM
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Tiger Woods pulls into a gas station and fills up his car. He goes inside to pay and as he is pulling some change out of his pocket, a couple of golf tees fall out onto the floor. The man behind him in line says, hey what are those things? Tiger says, they are tees. The man responds back with, what are they for? Tiger says, they are for resting your balls on when you drive. The man says, wow those guys at Buick think of everything!

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mods include: starshield, stage 2 exhaust, replaced Lotus sticker with handpainted metal letters.
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post #115 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 03:39 PM
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Quote:
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s
like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene,
the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still
nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old
man replied,

“Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open.”
bwahahaha excellent, Tracy! You rock!

Jer
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post #116 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 03:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RacyTracy
EldersburgElise, this is for you.....
Thanks!

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post #117 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 04:44 PM
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"The Gift"

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's
younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white
gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During
the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are in the habit of
not wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but
she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate
shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had
been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I
had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I
were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see
you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."
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post #118 of 553 (permalink) Old 07-31-2006, 05:40 PM
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oh my, that is the dearest

'05 Lotus Elise
'07 Caterham Seven www.hals7.com
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post #119 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 06:35 PM
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<tt>An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?</tt>
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]--><tt><o></o></tt>
<tt>Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.</tt>
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]--><tt><o></o></tt>
<tt>Older Woman: Oh, I see.</tt>

<tt>Officer: Can I see your license please?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.</tt>

<tt>Officer: Don't have one?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.</tt>

<tt>Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: I can't do that.</tt>

<tt>Officer: Why not?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: I stole this car.</tt>

<tt>Officer: Stole it?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.</tt>

<tt>Officer: You what?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.<o></o></tt>

<tt><o></o></tt>
<tt>The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.</tt>

<tt>Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! <o></o></tt>

<tt><o></o></tt>
<tt>The woman steps out of her vehicle.</tt>

<tt>Older woman: Is there a problem sir?</tt>

<tt>Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: Murdered the owner?<o></o></tt>

<tt><o></o></tt>
<tt>Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.</tt>

<tt>The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.</tt>

<tt>Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers<o></o></tt>

<o></o>
<tt>The officer is quite stunned.</tt>

<tt>Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.</tt>

<tt>The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.</tt>

<tt>The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.</tt>

<tt>Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole </tt><tt>this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!</tt>

<tt>Older Woman: And I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.</tt>

<tt>MORAL: Don't Mess With Old Ladies</tt>
<o></o>
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post #120 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 06:39 PM
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One reason the Military has trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy
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