Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 7 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #121 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 06:40 PM
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It's Dark In Here

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things are worth. You ned to go to church so confess. I'm taking you right now."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
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post #122 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 07:26 PM
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home DRUNK from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So, to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

He wakes from a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to himself. Very confused, he walks back into the bedroom and sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"
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post #123 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 07:28 PM
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Rules of Combat...

USMC

Bring a weapon. Preferably, bring at least two. Bring all of your friends who have weapons. Bring their friends who have weapons.
Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
Only hits count. Close doesn't count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough, nor using cover correctly.
Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a big weapon and a friend with a big weapon.
In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived and who didn't.
If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting is more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the weapon.
Use a weapon that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
Someday someone may kill you with your own weapon, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
In combat, there are no rules, always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
Have a plan.
Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of YOUR weapon.
Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
Don't drop your guard.
Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.
Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a ".4."

Army

See USMC Rules for combat.
Add 60 to 90 days.
Hope the Marines have already destroyed all meaningful resistance.

Navy

Spend three weeks getting somewhere.
Adopt an aggressive offshore posture.
Send in the Marines.
Drink Coffee.
Bring back the Marines.
Air Force

Kiss the spouse good-bye.
Drive to the flight line.
Fly to target area, drop bombs, fly back.
Pop in at the club for a couple with the guys.
Go home, BBQ some burgers and drink some more beer.
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post #124 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 07:29 PM
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A man, desperate for water, and lost in the desert, was plodding through the desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The man asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The other replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The lost man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." The poor man thanked him, staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the lost man came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table. The man said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The lost man rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."
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post #125 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-01-2006, 07:48 PM
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A man moves from Scotland to the US and attends his first baseball game. After a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run! Run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un, yah bloody bahstard. R-r-run!"

A third batter cracks a hard liner and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "RRRun, yah bloody bahstard, rrrrun, why don't ya???"

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the umpire calls,"Take your base." The Scotsman stands up, yelling, "Why arrre ye lalligaggin'?!? RRun, ya bahstard, RRRUN RRRRRRUNNNN!!!!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly so he sits down, very much confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He can't run. He's got four balls."

The Scotsman stands up in disbelief and shouts, "Wahlk with prrrride, man! Wahlk with prrrride!"

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post #126 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-02-2006, 10:44 AM
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What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Military?



The Boy Scouts have adult supervision...




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post #127 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-02-2006, 10:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TimMullen
What's the difference between the Boy Scouts and the Military?



The Boy Scouts have adult supervision...

I thought that was going to end up being a priest joke.
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post #128 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-02-2006, 11:21 AM
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What's blue and comes in brownies?




Cub Scouts...
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post #129 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-02-2006, 04:45 PM
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Paul Newman

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she
decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She
hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to
the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in
the store...

Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The
woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous
baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star-struck woman
smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! she chides herself. You're a happily married woman
with three children; you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The clerk
filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one
hand and her change in the other. She then went out the door, avoiding
even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change...but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store?

Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's
hand or in a holder on the counter or something. But no ice cream cone was
in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face
broke into his familiar warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."
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post #130 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-03-2006, 12:52 AM
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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She
picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I
want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring
about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape
after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I
don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to
find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook
and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my
family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what
I wish for .. a good man." The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head
and said, "Let me see that freakin' map again."
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post #131 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-04-2006, 08:41 PM
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Good one ships42! reminds me of a similiar joke:

A man is walking along a california beach when he comes across an empty bottle.
He picks it up and when he goes to wipe the sand off a genie appears. The surprised man says so do I get three wishes? the genie promptl responds what does this look like hollywood? You get one wish. So the man thinks a bit then says I've always wanted to go to hawaii can you build a bridge from here to hawaii? The genie retorts you're gonna waste your wish on a trip to hawaii. Why don't you fly or take a cruise. The man replies that he is deathly afraid of heights and gets terrible sea sickness. The genie says he refuses to grant his wish because it would require to much thought on how deep to drive the pillings and the space between the expansion gaps etc. etc. Can you think of anything else? well my wife will some days come home from work and when asked how here day went will for no reason explode into tears and slams the bedroom door. other days she'll come home and everything will seem fine but she will be pissy the rest of the day. so the man says I would like to better understand my wife. The genie replies you want that bridge four lanes or six!

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post #132 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-11-2006, 02:24 PM
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post #133 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-11-2006, 06:07 PM
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Re: GO to: www.google.com type in: failure ....... hit I'm feeling lucky

Who says computers aren't smarter than people : - )

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I can help you move TO anywhere in the USA FROM anywhere in the USA - ask me how...
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post #134 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-11-2006, 06:24 PM
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i'm going to assume this hasn't been told yet:

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, weren't you?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."
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post #135 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-16-2006, 11:01 AM
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Do you know why they give Viagra to the old men in the nursing home???


















So they don't roll out of bed.
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post #136 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 06:02 PM
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
The drunk said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled, looked at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, you know, that's right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier than sh*t."
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post #137 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-18-2006, 06:07 PM
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Tracy, you're loosing it. I actually don't get that. I swear, I don't get that.



(Really.)

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post #138 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-29-2006, 06:43 PM
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Little girl (LG) wants to take her dog Muffin out for a walk.

LG: Mom, can I take Muffin around the block?

Mom: No honey, Muffin is in heat.

LG: In heat? What does that mean?

Mom: (not wanting to explain) Ask your father, he's in the garage.

LG: Dad, I want to Muffin for a walk but mom says no because she's in heat. What does that mean?

Dad: (realizes delicate situation so he takes a rag soaked in gasoline and rubs it around the dogs privates) Go ahead dear - take Muffin for a walk. Some time goes by and his daughter returns without the dog. Where's Muffin?

LG: She must of ran out of gas cause there's another dog pushing her home.

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post #139 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-31-2006, 05:29 AM
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copied + pasted from the AussieElises forum (cheers Phil!)

The following is word for word corespondence taken from a scan of original letters so is genuine


(Letter from NZ Police to recipient)

MANAGER
XXXXXX LTD
AUCKLAND
Dear Sir/Madam

Records indicate that you are the owner of a Holden Registration no XXXXX.

On Friday, 10 June 2005 your vehicle was seen exceeding the speed limit at the junction of Shortland Street and Fields Lane, Auckland. Evasive action taken by pedestrians. This incident took place at about 1 :15 PM and has been reported to the police by way of the Community Roadwatch program.
You may not have been the driver at the time and even if you were you may feel that the driving was not in any way risky. However another person was sufficiently alarmed by the driving to report the matter to the Police. The other person's perception was that the way your vehicle was driven at that time was not safe.
If you were not the driver at the time, we would ask that you bring this matter to the driver's
attention.

Yours sincerely,
Inspector XXXXXXXX
Officer in Charge: Police Infringement Bureau
Safer Communities Together
NEW ZEALAND POLICE COMMUNITY WATCH PROGRAMME, PO BOX 9147, WELLINGTON

(Recipientís reply)

Officer in Charge
Police Infringement Bureau
New Zealand Police
PO Box 9147
Wellington
Attention : Inspector XXXXX
Dear Sir.
RE: Police advice Ref 11 5223

Thank you for your recent letter dated June 15th, 2005.

I appreciate that you are only following up on a report from a member of the public but I feel the need to set the record straight as I have been driving for the past 25 years all over the world without incident and class myself as generally a good driver. Yes, I have had a few speeding tickets during this time, but that doesn't necessarily detract from a person's driving abilities.
I was indeed the driver of this Holden. I clearly remember this incident because it happened on the eve of my 40th birthday and I remember thinking that it was a miracle that I had made it to this milestone despite there being numerous stupid people out there.
My car is an HSV Avalanche, which is a two tonne 300KW 5.7L V8 4WD Holden station wagon with a performance braking package fitted to it. Whenever this car is driven, the minimum forward lighting on it is the halogen driving lights that sit below the front grill -this being necessary because of the large number of dickhead drivers on the Auckland motorway system.
On the afternoon of June l0th, my wife and I were on our way to Auckland International airport to pick up some friends who had flown over for my 40th birthday party that was being held the next day. We were making a quick detour to my company offices when the incident occurred.
I was already in the process of turning my car right into Fields Lane from the western side of Shortland Street (Queen Street end) when I was first introduced to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B who both simply stepped off the footpath to cross Fields Lane right in front of me.
At this particular point in time we now had said two tonne car, with it's lights and right hand indicator on, having complete right of way after giving way to the appropriate vehicle traffic.
We also now had two clowns who were happily chatting to each other, completely ignorant of their surroundings, walking down Shortland Street (south side) and when they reached the kurb they simply kept on walking right into my path without even looking for traffic.
Note that this is not a pedestrian crossing of any kind.

The chances of these two being able to beat a car that was already committed to turning were about that of Auckland being able to beat Waikato in an NPC rugby match -slim to none.
As soon as I realised that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B had a deathwish, I hit the car horn and the brakes at the same time.

The three air horns which are located on the front left side of the car (the very solid, pointy corner closest to Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B) hit a single, beautiful note at about 100 decibels. Now 100 decibels is about 20 decibels louder than the Sprint Cars cars that were deemed "too loud" for the Western Springs raceway, thereby causing it to close because in Auckland at the moment we seem to have an anti-motorsport, politically correct, left leaning, tree hugging, land-rights-for-gay-whales City Council - but I digress.

Anyway, Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B now looked to the source of the 100dB noise and in doing so started to realise that stepping out in front of two tonnes of General Motors metal that was bearing down on them at about 30kmph with a set of 200W halogen spot lights now burning their retinas and making the metal on metal sound of a Bosch 5.3 ABS system kicking in onto a set of 336 x 32mm AP Racing ventilated and grooved front discs with HSV-embossed twin piston Corvette front calipers (in HRT red) and 315 x 18mm ventilated and grooved rear discs was perhaps not the smartest move they have either individually or collectively ever made.

Put simply, they {excrement} themselves & back-pedalled faster than an eight year old at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch, I pulled the car up in time, wound the window down and let loose with some brilliant swear words that one can only learn after serving at least 10 years in the Army, and we all went on our merry way.

I can understand why the guy behind me had a heart murmur because an HSV Avalanche can come to a complete stop from 100KMIH in about 6.3 seconds. We were both lucky that he didn't hit me as I braked because Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B might have got run over after all.
In order for my car to have supposedly exceeded the 50kmph speed limit that prevails within our fair city as I was making a complete 90 degree right-handed turn, both the car and my wife and I would have been subjected to lateral G Forces of around .92 Gs.
I can assure you that had I actually attempted to carry out such a manoeuvre as your letter suggests, my wife would have given me a rather significant slap up side of my head followed by a not-insignificant lecture and I would have had to spend the rest of the weekend on the couch.

If you get a chance to talk to whichever one of Dumb Ass A or Dumb Ass B who had the perception "that the way my vehicle was being driven was not safe", could you ask them if they would much rather have had the number plate of the car embedded in their skull due to being mowed down as a result of their own stupidity.

You may also wish to point out to this person that just because the City Council also killed any chance of an Auckland City street race, that decision didn't also suddenly give pedestrians super-human powers to simply ignore any of the existing rules in the Road Code.

The fact that Dumb Ass A and Dumb Ass B were able to lodge a complaint with your office is both a testament to the quality of Holden HSV braking systems and my own lightning quick reflexes. I would therefore like to be rewarded for this outstanding display of driving skills with lower petrol prices and a better corporate tax rate. Can you see what you could do for me here and please get back to me.

This incident does prove one thing though - in order to have smart people in this world, you need to have dumb asses by which to gauge them.

Thank you for your time and I am happy to discuss further
Regards,
XXXXXX
XXXXXX Limited


(NZ Police response to recipient)


29 June 2005
Mr XXXXX
XXXXXX Ltd
Auckland


Dear Mr XXXXX
RE: Roadwatch Report XXXXX
Thank you for your letter dated the 21st June 2005, concerning the driving matter on the 10th June 2005 in Auckland.
I certainly appreciate what you have written, I note the points in your letter (not the descriptions), there are always two sides to one story, we are not to know that until like in this situation, you have brought in another side of the story.
I have attached your letter to our file.
Any further enquiries please do not hesitate to contact me.
Yours sincerely

XXXXXX
Senior Constable XXXX
Roadwatch, Wellington.
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post #140 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-31-2006, 07:11 AM
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