Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 8 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #141 of 553 (permalink) Old 08-31-2006, 08:12 AM
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I Love it!!

68 Mustang Fastback, Highland Green (Bullitt)

RIP - NFB, Biscuit, Touring, Stage II, Gull Wing Top, V-1, Ragnorak Mirror, Painted console, RC-10 Remote, Ipod adapter, Polk DB400 & DB650 upgrade, Trunk Bootie,
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post #142 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-05-2006, 11:58 PM
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Three mothers talking about their sons:

Mother #1: My son is a rabbi. When people see my son on the street, they say "Hello, rabbi."

Mother #2: My son is a priest. When people see my son on the street, they say "Hello, father."

Mother #3 whose son weighs 400 lbs: When people see my son on the street, they say "Jesus Christ!"

'05 Arctic Silver/Ruby Red - Touring/SS/HT

Last edited by spider; 09-08-2006 at 09:40 PM.
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post #143 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-08-2006, 09:35 PM
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Two men embarked on a skiing trip. On their way to the mountain, a massive storm hit and they found themselves in a total "white out" and had to stop and park their SUV. Unable to see anything, but faint house lights down a short drive way, they head toward the light.
They knock on the door of the small farmhouse and an elderly woman answers the door. They explain their situation and ask to spend the night. The elderly woman says: "I am recently widowed and I would hate anyone see you two young men leaving my house in the morning, but you can stay in the barn."
The two men accepted her offer and in the morning, they left and continued on with their skiing trip.


9 Months later...one of the guys gets a phone call.


Right after hanging up the phone he called his friend from the skiing trip and asks: " When we stayed at the old lady's barn, did you get up in the middle of the night and have sex with her?"
His friend sheepishly replies: "yes"
Then he asks:"and did you tell her that my name was yours?"
His, now back pedeling, friend replies: " yes, I'm REALLY SORRY, it was a bad thing for me to do, I'm REALLY, REALLY SORRY!"



He says: "Its ok, she just died and left me everything"

Mark Darby
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TEAM PRYOPISM
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post #144 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-08-2006, 09:56 PM
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From Lotus Elan Central:

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."
he 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old
what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks
him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

94 Miata. Turbo?
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post #145 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-08-2006, 10:08 PM
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An old man and woman are sitting on a bench at a retirement home. The old lady looks at the old man and says:"I bet you I can tell you exactly how old you are"
The old man says: "OK, how old am I?"
The old woman tells the old man to stand up and unzip his pants. The old man reluctantly complies by standing up and unzipping his pants. The old lady then reaches in his pants and feels around for a while. She finally retracts her hand from his pants and proclaims: "you're 92 years old!"
In total disbelief, the old man asks:"how in the hell did you know that?"
The old woman looks up at him and says:




"You told me yesterday"

Mark Darby
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TEAM PRYOPISM
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post #146 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-18-2006, 04:52 PM
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Ok, this one just came thru the email...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me
Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well,
Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's
door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the
new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole
line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the
2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line
is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory
floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm
sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

2007 Cross Country Travelblog
11 Lotus Elise Final Edition :: Chrome Orange
16 Honda CR-Z EX
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post #147 of 553 (permalink) Old 09-18-2006, 06:21 PM
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A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well, that's just great...some a**hole's got my pen!"
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post #148 of 553 (permalink) Old 10-03-2006, 05:19 AM
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Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner.."

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker."

'05 Lotus Elise
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post #149 of 553 (permalink) Old 10-13-2006, 04:30 PM
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Halloween phrases that sound dirty...but are not.

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little somethin in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it, it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!

And the dirtiest sounding but not-dirty Halloween saying is..
1. He's got candy spread out on the living room floor!
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post #150 of 553 (permalink) Old 10-13-2006, 04:32 PM
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What do birds give out on Halloween?

Tweets.
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post #151 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-18-2006, 11:56 AM
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Definitions of Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted parts
you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.

OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.


HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
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post #152 of 553 (permalink) Old 12-21-2006, 01:10 PM
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Jogging With Bill Clinton

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled... "See what you get for five bucks!?"
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post #153 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-05-2007, 03:19 PM
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Do you know what the most popular toy in the Kremlin was this year???

























Poison Me Elmo
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post #154 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-05-2007, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RacyTracy
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. While driving through Transylvania, they stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumped onto the hood of the car and hissed through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switched them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" Sister Catherine shouted.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed as the water burned his skin, but he clung on and continued hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouted Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," said Sister Catherine. She opened the window and shouted, "Get the f*#& off the car!"

I LOVE that joke, the first time I told it I was laughing so hard I was crying.
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post #155 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-05-2007, 07:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dfa2100
My favorites (Some of these work a whole lot better when actually spoken... it's hard to be punny when you're writing them):
One just for you dfa2100

Two guys are walking down the street. One walks into a bar... the other ducks.
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post #156 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-16-2007, 07:32 PM
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A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy." His mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your father". He goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira, abuelita, I'm a white boy ". His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white for five minutes and I already don't like you Mexicans."
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post #157 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-16-2007, 07:32 PM
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington. Nothing is moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,

"What happened?" "What's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton and John Kerry. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon" Replied the man.
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post #158 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-16-2007, 07:33 PM
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This one is for everyone who:
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids

Grandpas, too


I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"
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post #159 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-16-2007, 07:34 PM
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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."


"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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post #160 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-16-2007, 07:45 PM
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What do you tell a woman who has 2 black eyes?


















Nothing, you already told her twice
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