Arrr! Here be Jokes!!!! - Page 9 - LotusTalk - The Lotus Cars Community
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post #161 of 553 (permalink) Old 01-21-2007, 11:32 PM
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Asked of a door gunner-
How can you shoot women and children?

Oh, you just don't lead them as much.

"Everything is more wonderful when you do it with a car, don't you think?"
-girl by the fire, while watching a huge tree rearranged in the bonfire by car bumper and cable


Stop that! You're in direct violation of the laws of physics!
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post #162 of 553 (permalink) Old 03-09-2007, 09:07 AM
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Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, &
Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New
York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid
in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they
decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk
of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and
were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered
the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they
were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
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Astronomy is looking up.
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post #163 of 553 (permalink) Old 03-23-2007, 06:00 PM
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Real Men Eat Quickies
A man is seated in a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt, and with legs that won't quit, comes to his table.
"What would you like, sir?" she asks.
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, and says, "A quickie."
She walks away in disgust.
After regaining her composure, she returns. "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly checks her out. "A quickie, please."
Her anger takes over. She slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK" and storms away.
At that moment, a man sitting at the next table leans over and says, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Elise #2292 (SOLD) / CO / Starshield / Nitron Sport SA / RTDbrace / Uprights machined / Down Low rails / DBA 4000 Wiper Slot Rotors/ V1 / SS lines w/Pagid Black / G-Pan / Odyssey PC680 with RLS Bracket / Difflow 5 Element diffuser / Stebel Nautilus horn
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post #164 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2007, 04:09 PM
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How many EliseTalk members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

2006 AR N/A Exige-Touring pack-Starshield-TopspeedPro1 exhaust-DeSnorked-Green filter-RTD ToeBrace-Shims Removed-CF Diffuser-CF Splitter-CF Wing-CF Scoops w/custom grills-Black Exige sticker-PC680 battery-S111 battery holddown-Rear Lotus badge-Carpet buttons-Painted shift knob-Painted Console-EBrake Gaiter-SilverStealth bulbs-Front S111 towhook-Polk speakers-Toyo R888s-Lamin-x turn signal tint
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post #165 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-07-2007, 04:12 PM
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How much does that LIGHT bulb weigh ?

Elise #2292 (SOLD) / CO / Starshield / Nitron Sport SA / RTDbrace / Uprights machined / Down Low rails / DBA 4000 Wiper Slot Rotors/ V1 / SS lines w/Pagid Black / G-Pan / Odyssey PC680 with RLS Bracket / Difflow 5 Element diffuser / Stebel Nautilus horn
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post #166 of 553 (permalink) Old 05-13-2007, 09:05 AM
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Garage
Sportsman's Double

A man met an older woman at a club. She was OK for 67, they drank a
bit, had a bit of a song and she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no. They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky
night.

They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, are you still awake?"
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post #167 of 553 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 11:31 AM
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FIRST PAY CHECK
Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you
believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of
our time.


A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day
a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in
all the activity going on next-door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.' My goodness gracious,' said the teller, 'and will you be working onthe house again this week, too?'

The little girl replied, 'I will if those sons-o-bi*ches at Home Depot ever deliver the G*d D*mn sheet rock.'

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye!

Astronomy is looking up.
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post #168 of 553 (permalink) Old 06-23-2007, 01:04 PM
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A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While being lathered up he complains to the barber that he can never get a close shave on his cheeks. The barber takes out a wooden ball and tells the man to put it between his cheek and gums. The man is so struck by the closeness of the shave he accidently swallows the ball. The barber tells him "Don't worry, just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
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post #169 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2007, 02:46 PM
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A horse walks into a bar so that he can order a drink.

The bartender looks up and asks, "Why such a long face?"

Astronomy is looking up.
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post #170 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2007, 02:52 PM
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A young boy notices his mother applying cold cream to her face, confused by this he asks, "mother, why are you doing that?" She replies, "I'm doing this to make myself beautiful."

After a while the boy notices his mother now has several tissues that she is using to remove the cold cream, so he asks, "Are you giving up?"

Astronomy is looking up.
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post #171 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2007, 03:53 PM
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A man who walks on to plane sideways going to bangkok...

http://img81.imageshack.us/img81/4707/sighondaha8uh.jpg
"... I like your clutch and brake levers." -Colin Edwards

"Friends are like autumn leaves, many and come and go with the seasons. True friends are like diamonds, hard to come by but last forever." -Bruce Lee

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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post #172 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2007, 05:39 PM
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Woman who fly upside down, have crack up

________________
2004 Caterham 7 Superlight R -
05 Elise SC
67 Lotus Elan (sold but not forgotten)

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post #173 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-09-2007, 11:06 PM
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two men are walking down the street. One walks into a bar, the other ducks.
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post #174 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-11-2007, 04:53 AM
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We all have read countless stories about "Little Johnny" over the years (a few "Little Johnny" jokes are in this thread). I honestly didn't think he existed...that he was simply a hypothetical boy that wasn't real. I stand corrected, and here is photographic proof.

Can you guess which one he is?
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'10 Chevy Tahoe
'10 Dodge Grand Caravan (2 of 'em!)
'07 Yamaha WR250F
'06 Lotus Elise - Solar Yellow, Touring, Hard Top, Star Shield, microMIRROR, Bootie, and ChaseCam Sold
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post #175 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-30-2007, 05:07 AM
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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an a** Hole..


"I take life one pixel at a time"-RENDERMAN
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post #176 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-30-2007, 05:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RENDERMAN View Post
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother

'Don't eat it, it's an a** Hole..

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post #177 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-30-2007, 05:18 AM
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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
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post #178 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-30-2007, 05:56 AM
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now THAT is funny!
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post #179 of 553 (permalink) Old 11-30-2007, 06:00 AM
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thats good!

[Ovarian Odorist] 11:12 pm: why did you ever get into your business rob...you have such great potential in the adult porn industry..
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post #180 of 553 (permalink) Old 12-05-2007, 07:18 AM
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Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

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