My fiancée insists that I get something more family-friendly than my manual-transmission BMW 135i convertible. I'm keeping the Bimmer. I need to find a reliable, fuel-efficient, rear-wheel-drive family sedan or crossover with a manual transmission. For $20,000. Old 5-series are neither cheap to own nor fuel efficient. It looks like a 2006 E-class diesel (no manual) and a four-cylinder Honda Accord (front-drive) are the best options. What would Bob do?
This had better be a good fiancée! Let me tell you a story: A guy marries his longtime girlfriend. Shortly after marriage, she finds him in the garage cleaning his beloved E-type and says: "Now that we're married, I think you should sell that thing and get something more sensible." Long pause. Then he says: "You know, for a minute there, you sounded just like my ex-wife!" She: "I didn't know you were married before!" Says he, quietly: "I wasn't."
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her
husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house
while she labored away, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking
me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes,
garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked,
"Where's my plate?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town," he replied.
An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00 for just an overnight stay. I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $450.00 is the 'standard rate,' so she insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appeared and was forewarned by the desk clerk. "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied. No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it" and the manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes discussion with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check, and gave it to him. The manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $400.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised manager.
"Well, too bad. I was here and ... you could have."
A woman walks out into her back yard one morning and finds a gorilla in her tree. She goes back into the house and looks in the yellow pages under exterminators and to her surprise sees an ad for an exrterminator who deals with gorillas. The exterminator arrives and gets out of his pick up holding a shotgun and a pair of handcuffs. He then goes to the back of the truck and brings out a really mean looking dog. He explains his gorilla removal method to the woman "I'm going to climb up into the tree and shake the gorilla loose. When he falls to the ground, the dog will grab him by the balls and incapacitate him. While he's incapacitated, I need you to put the hand cuffs on him. Do you think you can do that?" The woman replies that she is willing to give it a try. As the exterminator starts to climb the tree, the woman shouts, "So, what's the shotgun for?" The exterminator replies, "Oh I almost forgot. Sometimes the gorilla shakes me out of the tree. In that case, shoot the dog!"
How the Internet got started, according to the Bible
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
(That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.)