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Wingless Wonder
1988 Esprit Turbo
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5,655 Posts
The Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:



"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the river."



The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

The wife replies, "The a--hole had a paper route."
 

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Wingless Wonder
1988 Esprit Turbo
Joined
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5,655 Posts
An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said:


"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, I'll pay you $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so," Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your eyesight back! That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"
 

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Wingless Wonder
1988 Esprit Turbo
Joined
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5,655 Posts
A man goes to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.

The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything--meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient, to which the dentist replies,

"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"


:facepalm
 

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Registered
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1,321 Posts
The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
 

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Wingless Wonder
1988 Esprit Turbo
Joined
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5,655 Posts
An elderly golfer accidentally overturned his electric golf cart.


A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"

"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.

She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." Richard took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.

"That's mighty nice of you," the senior gentleman answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now, " she insisted.

She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.

The old guy was weak as he replied: "Well okay," and headed to her place.

After a couple of Manhattans, Richard thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"
 

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Premium Member
Joined
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11,705 Posts
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father!!


Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother!!



"Robot for sale"
 

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Wingless Wonder
1988 Esprit Turbo
Joined
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5,655 Posts
A proposition.

A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do, in just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
 

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Premium Member
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11,705 Posts
Louis Anderson told this story about how his mom always came home from shopping and regaled the kids with the great clothes bargains she’d found.

At one point, she puts on a dress and says, “Guess what I got this for??”

Louie says, “Halloween??”
 

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Hickory, NC
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968 Posts
This old man tells his wife that if there is such a thing as reincarnation that he will contact her somehow after he's gone. She shrugs it off and doesn't pay him much attention.
So a few months go by and he passes away. Then two weeks later he calls her up and says you won't believe all the great sex I'm having. Sex at 6am, sex at 9am, then 11,2,3,4,....she replies, I didn't realize there would be so much sex in heaven. He says I'm not in heaven, I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!!
 

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Premium Member
Joined
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11,705 Posts
Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic?















He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
 

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Premium Member
Joined
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11,705 Posts
Into the bar jokes:


Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender tells them it’s okay, “but you better not start anything”.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender: “We don’t serve food here”.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A baby seal walks into a bar. Bartender asks what he’d like. “Anything but a Canadian Club!”
 

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Premium Member
Joined
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11,705 Posts
I’ve written hundreds of jokes. I like this one a lot.


First Dates:

Some people want to feel that instant “click” on their first dates.

Others want to sense immediate “chemistry”.



I always get both on my first dates, in the form of Pepper Spray.

g
 

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Premium Member
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11,705 Posts
A fellow is in the US Infantry in Afghanistan. It’s stressful there and the most he can look forward to are the letters from home.

One day, one of those arrives. He immediately tears it open and reads it.

His family writes that winter may finally be gone and they began getting the garden together.

“We turned the soil and even put up trellises.

Oh, and by the way, your childhood cat died.”


He is not happy. The cat was his only pet. He tell the family that given the pressure he’s under they should have told him more gently.

About a month later, another letter from home arrives.

“Plants are growing, and some are even climbing the trellis. Could be a decent crop this year.

Oh, by the way, Grandma’s on the roof.”
 
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